Dear Santa (Why I Need A Digital Camcorder)

This weekend Owen and I started drafting his letter to Santa. This was a first. Up until now Santa was in movies and the scary guy in the picture from Christmas 2005. This year I introduced the concept of Santa only bringing toys to good girls and boys. He wasn't buying it.

While Owen makes his case for needing Star Wars Legos, I thought it prudent to write my own letter to Santa.

Dear Santa Claus,

I have been a good girl this year, and that is why I'm writing. You see, I'm in dire need of a digital camcorder. I work hard every day (sometimes nights too), and my memory isn't doing such a great job these days. I need to capture special moments before my kiddos are grown and gone.

For instance, at Eden's birthday party this year she was the one the kicked off the Happy Birthday song! It was hilarious. Let's not forget to mention her delight with every gift: "OH MY!" "OH MY PEAS!" "OH MY, OH MY!"

Please don't misunderstand. The digital camera you got me last year is awesome! I love the pictures, but it doesn't quite capture certain moments. It can only do so much to capture a little girl twirling in a big, flouncy, petticoat skirt.

Owen has been learning to read. My cell phone does okay to capture the joy in his face, but the recording is pretty bad. Let's not forget that both of them love to sing & perform.

I've already missed so much since our last camera died. I'm writing out memories, but *sigh* I long to re-live all those precious memories of yesterday.

I know you've already gone above and beyond for me. The baby doll in 1985, the denim jacket in '87, the keyboard, the walkman, and the other endless requests that you generously fulfilled were all received with gratitude.

I know I sometimes can be demanding, argumentative, and easily angered. I promise to keep working hard to love more and yell less.

I appreciate all the hard work you do, and thanks for considering my request.

Best Regards,

Tamara

P.S.-A Nikon CoolPixL22 in red, would be fine. :)

The Diagnosis

The test results are all in, and a diagnosis has been made. I’m afraid it’s not good news. Apparently, I have had this for many years and it’s gone unchecked, ignored, and brushed off as other issues. In fact, it appears that many of my health issues—eczema, depression, weight gain, digestive issues—are actually caused by this very same problem. It can lead to other problems too—heart attack, stroke, auto-immune disorders, memory loss, and others.

It is also very difficult to cure. There is no pill to take that will heal it. Treating this disease will take major changes physically, emotionally, and mentally.

I suffer from overwhelming stress. Telling you that is, sadly, very difficult. That’s because I don’t like being a burden to anyone, I don’t want anyone to know I’m not as tough as they think, and I am a perfectionist. I take on too much, I am a workaholic, and I enjoy taking care of other people to the neglect of taking care of myself. It’s not just the amount of stress I take on, I also do not respond well to stress. I withdraw, I obsess, and/or I get angry. Pretty much, if there is a bad way to respond—that’s what I do.

I’ve been told by several people that I am intimidating. Not that I’m threatening or mean, but I do seem strong and confident all the time. A woman spoke to me today, and she is one of the few people in my life who was unabashedly forward with me—not intimidated in the slightest. This was remarkable to me. I want to share with you some of the things she said to me.

If you’re perfect, why are you here?

This is going to stick in my head for a long time. She said, “If you’re perfect, than why are you here? You might as well be in heaven.” Wow. I know perfectionism isn’t right or God’s desire for me. I know in my heart that I was made perfect through Christ’s blood—HECK, I even told a friend that recently! I’ve got the words, read the scripture, and KNOW what’s good and right. Try telling my head to follow along though. (If you can’t tell, or didn’t know—I tend to be a bit stubborn & hard-headed.) Her point was to make me understand that I need to accept my own imperfection.

Leaders need to be real.

This woman also told me that people are more apt to follow when they know their leader is real. Let them see you cry from time to time, she said. It makes them feel they can relate to you, and they are more willing to follow someone that is real. This was a novel concept to me. This has never been the picture of leadership I’ve held in my mind. I don’t have to have it all together all the time, and people appreciate that.

Those are choices YOU made.

I’m such a hypocrite. I say this all the time to women I counsel. I often feel as if I don’t have a choice. My mind easily twists things to make me believe that I must or have to do this or that. I mean, if I don’t, who will? Even my GI doc said, those things will get done. To which I responded, Yes because I will get them all done. Yikes. I struggle with saying no. I am getting better, even my husband told me that today, but I still choose daily to take on as much as possible. I carry the load for all because it’s my nature to take care of everyone. Then when it’s overwhelming, I suffer physical pain.

I also choose to RESPOND the way that I do. This will be the most difficult thing to change. Even though I’m getting better at saying no, I’m horrible at responding well to stress. I typically shove it down or burst out—depending on the situation.

So, here’s where I show vulnerability *gulp* and ask for help. How do you choose to respond to stress? Let’s make a good, long list of ideas for me to try. Do you count to ten when the boss is screaming? Do you have a special prayer? Sip some tea? When the bills need paying, and the kids are fighting—what do you do? (Please, let’s also be realistic. I’m a working mom of two—though I’d love a good soak in the tub, it’s not going to happen on a daily or evenly weekly basis. Especially since our bathroom is still being repaired.) Let’s make it an experiment. I’ll give each idea a try every week, and then report back. While you come up with some ideas, I’m going to go do something that relaxes and stresses me at the same time—knit.

Getting Ready

It's about 5:30 a.m. The colonoscopy is at 7 a.m. I finished drinking the NASTY 4 liters of "rip your insides out" juice a little while ago. It was a bit like giving yourself food poisoning. On a positive note, if there is one, I did lose about 5 pounds. The side effect I hadn't expected was the intense cold. While everyone else last night was enjoying the warm autumn evening, I had on big socks and a sweater. Even with that I was shivering.

I didn't sleep much, but that had little to do with an anxious heart and more to do with a certain toddler. Matt left for work about an hour ago, and we took the time to pray together before he left.

I finished reading my book. I started writing out all the scripture the author mentions in the book. I memorize well by re-writing. It's helping. So have all the encouraging notes, messages, and drop-by friends. Thank you.

I've prepared the kiddos for today. They were very concerned with the amount of time Mommy was spending on the potty last night. I think they'll be a bit anxious, especially Eden, when they see Mommy heavily sedated.

Sedation is probably my last remaining fear. I've always had a fear of sedation--I'm sure because of watching too many medical documentaries. In all fairness though, the last time I was sedated I woke up puking and by being told that I was going in for a 2nd surgery in order to save my life from bleeding out. Good times.

What does one wear to a colonoscopy? I'm thinking comfy pants for sure. (This is about as deep as it gets this early in the morning.)

Anxiety

Worst-case scenario: I might have cancer. (Sorry, Mom, I know you don't like me saying that.)

We'll know soon enough. I've had this pain, amongst other embarrassing symptoms I'd rather not share, for a long time. I deal with it. There's other things that need my attention, and I'm tough. A couple weeks ago the pain came with a warning dream. (We don't mess around with my dreams in this house.) Wednesday I'm having a colonoscopy (and now you can imagine the embarrassing symptoms). What's really sad is that I'm just as anxious for what they don't find. It means still not knowing and more tests.

Here's irony for you: I was so anxious last night I couldn't even read my book. It's title? "Calm My Anxious Heart" It really is a fabulous book. I was able to sleep, but it was fitful. I gave up early this morning, and finally was able to dive into my book. It was exactly what I needed before going to worship. I was able to keep my cool, even with the "how are you doing" questions, up until a group of loving brothers and sisters in Christ laid hands on me to pray.

I am a certified worrier. Ask my brother. I remember him saying to me all the time "You worry too much." He was right. I'm not sure there was anything that I didn't worry about. I've gotten better. Not much, but it's a slow process. I'm quite addicted to it, for sure.

I've been in church long enough to hear all the cliches: "Let go, and Let God," The Serenity Prayer, and others. It's simple to say, "trust God." It's a whole other thing to do it. How do you do it? How do you physically let go of your worries, your burdens, your needs, your desires--and let God take the wheel (another cliche)? How do you NOT try to manipulate circumstances? What does it LOOK like?

Okay, so the simple answer seems to be pray more. When it came to our finances I had to do more. I needed to confess. I needed a community to hold me accountable. (By the way, we have not used our credit cards for anything in almost two weeks. Our needs are met day by day by those the Lord burdens to our door.) Confessing didn't make it easy. I'm a proud woman too, and it's humbling having people bring you groceries or giving you money to pay your bills. I needed to also give an outward sign. Credit cards could no longer be our safety net. God is now our safety net. Either He provides or we do without--THIS IS NOT EASY. Think toilet paper, my friends. Think, laundry detergent. Or even when your child has a simple desire, "Mom, can I have more juice?"

So, here is my confession of anxiety (and out the door goes a little more of my pride).

I am worried that I have colon cancer. I'm worried that they won't find anything, and I'll continue to deal with mystery pain and symptoms.

I'm worried that I will continue to gain weight despite that I workout almost daily and eat a healthy diet.

I'm worried that the stress in my life and worry in my life is the true cause of all my health issues, and I have no idea how to change that without letting down myself, my family and my community.

I worry that we will never be relieved of our financial crisis. I worry my husband will always be working from sun up to sun down just to keep us (barely) afloat.

I worry about the financial burden my health will be on our already over-burdened budget.

I worry about my kids (that's an extensive list alone, you mothers & fathers understand that).

That's about all I can handle confessing right now. How do I make God my safety net on my anxieties? I've physically stopped using credit cards for anything, but how do I STOP worrying? How do you deal with anxiety?

The History of Financial Demise

I was 16 when I met my husband. I didn’t have a checking account. I think I had a savings account. I had worked a few jobs, but didn’t know much about managing money. When we decided to get married, my father (a minister) immediately started us in premarital counseling. Our biggest struggle was a lack of communication and understanding in finances. Amazing how after 12 years of marriage not much has changed.

We opened a checking account together to pay for wedding expenses. Just before we married I turned 18 and the first of thousands of credit card offers came in the mail. Knowing that we’d be leaving for Ireland shortly after the wedding, I thought a credit card would be great for any emergencies overseas. It was. However, our definitions of emergency might differ. I know my current definition is much different than back then.

Costs of that trip to Ireland, our wedding, and “stuff” amounted to $10,000 worth of credit card debt (tens of thousands worth of student loans) within 3 months of being married. After a year of marriage, we had 10 different credit cards, and maintained $10,000 of credit debt year after year.

We hadn’t been married for 2 years when we heard our pastor talk about his friend—Dave Ramsey. Being that we worked at a bookstore, we had heard about this Financial Peace book, and had read all the hype. Our pastor did an amazing series of sermons based on Dave Ramsey’s book and classes on being debt free. It was the first time I was convicted of debt being a sin—it was slavery.

I had grown up in a family that was always in debt and always struggling financially. I believed credit was there for us whenever we “needed” something we didn’t have. My husband was the opposite. His family pinched pennies, and lived on as little as possible to be as frugal as possible. To the extreme that as soon as he was “free” he spent every cent he had within 3 months. This was not a good mix for our marriage.

After hearing our pastor speak, we purchased the tapes (that would be the precursor to CD’s—you know, those things that came before the Ipod). We listened to them over and over, applying the strategies to our lives as quickly as possible. Children were our next goal, and we really wanted to be free from debt before kiddos came along. We planned our debt snowball, worked hard, and started making great strides. I think we made it down to about $6,000 before a big transition happened. My husband was offered a job 3,000 miles away from where we lived. It was a great opportunity, so we jumped. The move alone cost us nearly $5,000. Guess how we paid for that? Credit. Oh, and by the way—our student loans—yep, still in forbearance. At this point, we had a car loan and a truck loan too. We made about $45,000 per year.

Lies
Hindsight is 20/20, and I look back at the mistakes we made, both big and small that got us to our financial demise. The first was “you can pay off your credit when you graduate and get a job.” Ha. The next big one was “Renting is like throwing money away. You HAVE to buy a house.” Everyone said that to us—friends, family, bank loan managers, everyone.

We attempted to buy a house in Connecticut, but it was ridiculous. We didn’t like living there, and we couldn’t afford to live there. The cost of living was way higher than Oklahoma, and our income hadn’t increased much. The 3,000 miles that separated us from our family was pretty horrible too. Trying to visit for weddings and holidays cost a pretty penny too. Though we had racked up our debt to $11,000 we still were determined to pay it down. Again, we got down to about $7,000 (loans still in forbearance, and still paying on car and truck).

I quit my job and we moved to Colorado, trusting God had a different plan for us. We had a strategy. I would move first, find a job, and get us settled. Matt would then quit his job, and move out later. I did indeed find a job right away. I was laid off two weeks later. I called Matt to tell him the news, only to find out that he had quit his job earlier than planned. He quickly joined me in Colorado to start our careers over again. I drained my retirement fund, and God provided money to pay bills. Truly, that was the first time I really saw God’s hand at work on our finances.

Family took care of many of our needs, and it wasn’t long before I found another job. Matt got work tiling, and started taking on students. Slowly, we started to recover. We both got better paying jobs. The lie that buying a house was of utmost important was shouted to us at every direction. Make no mistake—with or without the lies, we wanted a house!

So, we bought a house—with help from family. It wasn’t extravagant, and it was well within what we were “qualified” to buy (according to the mortgage lender). In April of 2004 we moved in and finally “settled down.” I had a great job, and Matt was leading a campus ministry and teaching music lessons.

If it’s not one thing, it’s another.
Despite buying a house we truly couldn’t afford, we managed to pay down debt and pay for our house. We weren’t on a budget—I didn’t really understand the term. What we had was more like a spending plan. I knew where every dollar was spent, but I wasn’t managing when and how. We had lined up our debt to pay it off, and had already knocked off all the car payments.

The truck was soon paid off too. We still used our credit cards, but our mentality was always—it’s only for when we can’t afford something we need. Need, like emergencies, is defined a bit differently now.

We actually saved quite a bit too. Again, though, our mentality on savings was different then too. We saved to buy something big, rather than save for emergencies. In fact, we saved so much we took our first real vacation—a long past-due honeymoon to Hawaii. It was fabulous. Unlike our trip to Ireland, we had the cash for…most of it. I was very conscious though of every dime, and made sure to pay off the trip “extras” as soon as we got home. Of course, though, our savings was now demolished.

In the meantime, just before leaving for our vacation I found out that I was expecting our first child. I had great insurance, and we were rebuilding our savings. We had few concerns about the cost coming with a new baby. We planned for a home birth, and paid out of pocket for the care—which was actually cheaper than the hospital. However, our son came earlier than expected. My birth had complications that required a hospital birth. Our midwife did not refund her fees, so we had her fees, the hospital fees, and we had an unexpected high tax bill in 2005. In total, within one month we had to come up with over $6,000.

A couple months later we discovered our son has a genetic disorder—Cystic Fibrosis, and life-long, expensive medical care became our reality. We stopped all non-essential spending—no more house updates/non-necessary repairs, no non-essential car repairs, nothing. However, we installed an air conditioning unit. Another $3,000 (financed). Why? For our son’s health. (If you want details, feel free to contact me for the full rationale of this purchase.)

Our credit debt continued to fluctuate between $6-$10,000. We still were not making payments on our school loans, and we now had a mortgage. When our son was born we had a few months that we couldn’t pay the mortgage. Matt ministry job always hit rough times in the summer months, and couldn’t pay him his salary. We were able to catch up, and things once again began to improve—especially after I returned to work.

However, a few months after our son’s diagnosis, we realized that our work in college ministry was not the best environment for his health. Matt resigned in the fall of 2005. We knew we both had to work, but someone had to be home. Hiring a full-time nanny was not financially possible—and not our ideal life. I went back to work full-time, while Matt stayed home. Matt continued to teach and take on tile jobs around my schedule. Money was tight. If we didn’t have the cash for food, fuel, clothes or any other need—we used credit. If something broke, we used credit to fix it. There was always something.

Summers were rough—they still are rough. Matt’s teaching studio income fluctuated greatly. My income went up, but I was never home (mentally, and sometimes physically). I loved my job, but I missed my family. Working so much, neither of us paid much attention to our budget, spending, or debt pay off plan—our debt skyrocketed to $16,000.

Early in 2007, I found out that our second child was on the way. Matt took on a second job at Starbucks. Nearing the end of this pregnancy I felt something totally different. I prayed. Matt prayed. I truly felt God saying—you’re coming home this time for good. This made utterly no sense to me. I loved my job. We needed the income. I would go crazy at home, I was sure of it. Matt’s income would not be sufficient, even working two jobs.

Once again, a traumatic birth led to outrageous medical bills. I did return to work, but only to resign. God’s calling on me was LOUD and clear. I kicked, I screamed—and in true form—I negotiated. I tried EVERYTHING to make work, work. God clearly put his foot down.

God put his foot down, but I said, “Okay, I’ll make this work.” Even before I came home, I had put into progress building my own company. I attended doula school after my son was born—not sure why, again it was a God calling. I thought, ah surely God wants me to make money with this. I poured our savings into making a company a reality.

Please keep in mind, while doing all of this I was in the midst of post-partum depression. I didn’t know it or accept it at the time, but I’ve now come to understand it. Working was my way of not dealing with pain, anger, or sadness.

We also met with friends and family that had good financial knowledge and practice to help us get our finances in order. We knew we were in terrible shape. We made about a third of what we made while I was working. Our expenses had decreased significantly, but not enough. We learned to really make a budget, but still didn’t understand how to live by one.

I’m not sure when exactly, but sometime during this time—some time in late 2008, maybe early 2009—I heard God’s voice. This was very new to me. I grew up conservative. God spoke to people in the Bible, not to me. The Holy Spirit was more of legend than true existence. I have no doubt it was God, and no doubt on what He said. I was asleep, and like a whisper that pierced through my body I heard—no, I FELT—God say to me “make your husband a success.” I say felt, because it was way more than just some words spoken to me. It was utterly, to my core, a new way of being. I literally sat up with a gasp. I was clear on my mission and purpose.

My business went on hold. I no longer pursued marketing and building my business. All my energies were now on Matt. Here’s what I didn’t know: how. Don’t get me wrong—I definitely THOUGHT I knew what God meant. I thought I was supposed to make his teaching business successful. I now realize that was only a small part of it. This isn’t about our marriage though, so I’m not going into those details. Just know that I now focused on building his business, and doing everything I could to make him a financial success.

I did. His studio more than doubled in size. God also blessed my business and me. Though I put no effort into marketing my business, clients came—amazingly, right when we needed a bit more cash to make it through.

Two years went by. We slowly paid down over $5,000 in debt. If you’re keeping tally—when I came home from full time work we had over $20,000 in credit card debt. I did take on a part-time job to keep us afloat, but most of my energies were at home. However, every time a crisis happened—we once again relied on credit to see us through.

Here we are.
Once again, the teaching studio declined, but this time it wasn’t too bad. We had more students than we ever had had in a previous summer. What’s more—many of them were new students! How fabulous, we thought! Okay, so we don’t have enough to pay for food, fuel, or any other expenses beyond bills—BUT that’s okay. Matt had been offered a teaching job for the fall, and with that new income plus the usual boom in August for the studio—we’d be set. Then, I lost my part-time job. Then, August came. Very few students returned. We’re short more than 10 students. We put our expenses on credit knowing for sure that we’d pay it off when fall came.

We still can’t pay for expenses outside of bills.

We’re on WIC.

The kids are on Medicaid.

Matt works at Starbucks about 25-30 hours a week. He teaches 9 hours a week at his studio, and 8 hours at a charter school.

I take on work when I can.

We make $2500-$3000 per month.

Something changed last week. For years I always said, “well, if we need bread and don’t have money for bread—we have to use credit to buy bread, right?” How else do you feed your kids? Last week, something new came to mind. I don’t know what led to it. I’ve always talked about trust in God. How we’re trusting God and have for so long.

Nope. Not really. How am I trusting God? When I use credit, I’m saying I’m in control. We don’t have money for food, so I take control to provide our food. I don’t let God take care of us. I struggled with this thought, though. How could we do that? How does that work? Food is a necessity. My son eats more than I do. I don’t want the world to know our issues. I don’t want to be a bother, needy, or dependent on other people. No way, I mean, I grew up learning that you have to pull your own weight, pull yourself up by your own bootstraps, put on your big-girl panties and deal with it. How will God provide?!?!? Again, I’m struggling with trust.

So, in a moment of deep sadness and emotion, I posted a note on my blog and facebook. The response was overwhelming in many ways. One, the encouragement and prayers. Two, learning that not only are many of our friends in the same boat—several are struggling even more so than we are. Finally, the response from a handful of folks, that despite them not really having the funds either—fed us. We received so many groceries that our pantry is packed and many groceries are filling our kitchen counter.

This is God’s intention for our people. To love and care for each other. To meet each other’s needs. To trust Him completely. I’ve committed myself to not use credit anymore for anything. Gulp. It’s hard to write that. Satan is coming after me for that. He’s going to test me. Something, I’m sure, is going to break, fall apart, or need repair at any second. Satan, however, does not realize how truly stubborn I am.

Relying on others is very difficult. It’s humbling. It’s frustrating. I’m the one that likes to take care of others, and being served by others is embarrassing for me. At the same time, I think it’s right to do good for others even when you’re struggling. Today, I was blessed to care for a friend. Simply taking the opportunity to clean her house and care for her kids was incredibly fulfilling. That’s how it’s supposed to work though—this is carrying each other’s burdens. Do whatever you can now. Don’t wait to be asked. See a need—get it done.

What are you going to do today? Can you put gas in my car? Can I watch your kids? How far will you trust God? Are you afraid to share your burdens? What’s the worst that’s going to happen? Will you be embarrassed? Do you not want people to know your sins, worries, and anxieties? Or, maybe you’ll realize today that hiding your needs and trying to pull yourself up by your own bootstraps isn’t God’s design. (Read Acts.)

Maybe you can’t help someone financially or physically. You can pray. But, don’t just say that. Mean it. Get on your knees. Tell me your needs and I’ll tell you mine. My prayer list has grown tremendously in the last few days. Get specific. One gal that brought us food—I learned her husband needs a job. I said I’d use my network to see what’s out there for him, but more importantly—I’m praying, specifically for him to get a job. I’ve also created a list of things we need—like olive oil. We’re nearly out, and we’ll need more. So, I’m praying God provides the olive oil. I believe God will provide all that I need and all that you need too.

Faith, Finances, and Four Hours

It’s been so long since I blogged, and there is so much going on in my life. Prepare yourself.
I’m reaching a point of hopelessness. I have always been the one to see the silver lining, find the good in all the bad, and be joyful always. Here’s the fact: After working diligently for 2 years to pay off debt, within 5 months we’re back to where we started. This isn’t the first time to go backwards. It seems no matter how hard we work—Matt works 3 jobs, plus any side work he can fit in, and I do anything I can to help out that still allows me to be the primary care giver of the kids—we continue to slip backwards.
Let’s skip all nitty gritty details and long stories. We’re not buying jet skis, taking vacations, or absorbed in material possession. We can’t buy food. We can’t pay for medical expenses. We don’t have enough income to do anything except pay the bills and the minimum on debt.
Two years ago, I heard God say to come home to help my husband and kids succeed. Despite that I went kicking, screaming, and fighting His will, I finally submitted. I quit a great paying job to be home. Meanwhile, we depended on the good will of family and friends to make ends meet. We’ve cut expenses, sold what we can, and found other ways to get things done. We’re on government aid, eat a lot from our own garden, and work ALL THE FREAKING TIME. It’s not working. I doubt my calling. I apply for jobs to “test” God’s calling on me.
Moving on. The last 6 months I’ve been working on a project that feels like an out of body experience. I never EVER intended on leading a grassroots effort to start a school. It’s bizarre. It’s ridiculous. However, when I’m in “charter school mode,” you would think that I’m a zealous educational reformer. It’s consuming and overwhelming. Too many things in this projects are fortuitous. I don’t believe in coincidences. God evidently has a purpose for this project, and I am merely a vessel doing His bidding. Inside, my little selfish self is screaming, “I want out. I want to stop caring. Please, God, find someone else.”
I know I’m supposed to help my husband and kids succeed. Is that why I’m building a school? Does God have a plan for us in this? I doubt because while I’m off in meeting after meeting after meeting, my husband’s studio is only at half-capacity (further deteriorating our financial health), and my kids plead for attention from mommy. Where is the blessing for being faithful? Is that wrong to even ask?
Here’s another question on faith & finances: If we are using credit to buy food, fuel, medication, etc.—is that being faithful? Are we lacking trust in God to provide for our needs by using credit to purchase food? The budget is black & white: no $$ for food. Not even beans & rice, folks. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. I’m struggling over this one big time.
Two years ago when we stepped out in faith & told our family & friends about our financial struggles, it was embarrassing & humiliating (& frustrating being judged by so many). Many reached out to provide for us. How horrible to now tell the world that yes, we’re still struggling. No, it hasn’t gotten better. The truth is, no matter how disappointed you are in us—we’re way more disappointed in ourselves. Honestly, I think it’s a miracle that we’re not further in debt than where we are now.
New topic: Dreaming. I long for the simpler life. A smaller home (you read right), less “plugged in” (I’d love to go a week without my computer), more gardening, more cooking, more time with family & friends. I’d love to FINISH a craft. I have 3 knitting projects sitting on needles. By the time I finish Eden’s dress it will be 2 sizes too small. I’d love to be more involved at church. I noticed this morning how out of touch I am with the fellowship. It’s a small church, and I realized I hardly know anyone or what’s going on in THEIR lives. I’m so overwhelmed with what I’ve got going on, I have no energy to meet new people and socialize. Not that what I’m doing isn’t benefiting others. I mean, I’ve got over 700 children counting on me to open them an awesome new school.
I’m so frustrated about the 4-hour distance between my folks and me. I wanted their move to Colorado to mean weekends together and more grandparent time. Four hours is much better than 20, it would seem, but since we rarely get 1 day off (let alone a weekend off) it’s nearly impossible to plan a trip to see them. I know they’re disappointed. It’s obvious in their voices every time I turn down an offer to come for a visit. The guilt is incredible.
Here’s something pretty crazy: I long to do household chores. I want so desperately to have the time to clean bathrooms, fold laundry, and mop my kitchen. I am not kidding.
Let’s talk about health. Owen is healthy, to the point I forget to be vigilant with his care. When he does struggle, I blame myself. (I have guilt complexes.) Me—well, I have issues. I’d rather not talk about them.
I miss hanging out with friends. What’s worse is that my best friend is moving to England. I ache for her already, and soon she’ll be across an ocean. Phone calls will have to be planned, not spontaneous opportunities to shower each other with love.
I remember a long time ago my dad taught my Sunday School class. I might have been in middle or early high school age. I remember him clearly talking about how in the future TIME would be the most precious commodity. I have never forgotten that class. I think he even underestimated how precious time would be for me.
I’m terrified I have so little time. So little time to instill wisdom into my kids. So little time to complete God’s will of me. So little time to enjoy precious moments with my husband. So little time. I can hear the clock ticking loudly in my ears. Pounding in my heart. I am at the front of a speeding train with no signs of slowing down.
I know a lot of you may read this, and you’ll be thinking of ways to solve these problems. You’ll have simple answers like she needs to stop working on that school. Or, you’ll say she should get a job to help get her family out of debt & financial burden. Or, that Matt should get a different, better paying job. Some might even recommend bankruptcy. Others of you will pray (thank you). Matt and I have prayed over every possible option. We’ve thought through every scenario. There is no simple solution or answer.
What we need is a miracle. I am 100% convinced God has us at his mercy and completely dependent on Him, so that He can show His mighty power to all.
This is my prayer: “Keep falsehood and lies far from me; give me neither poverty nor riches, but give me only my daily bread.” Proverbs 30:8

I hate complaining. I hate this post because it feels like a rant of complaints. Since I don’t often allow myself to pour out my heart to anyone—it would seem a lot has built up & just exploded. I hope you were well protected before this bomb went off.

In true form, I must end with the blessings in my life:
For the most part, I enjoy getting to home school my son. It’s obviously not a long-term plan for success, but seeing him grasp basics (like reading) brings me so much joy.
I am so thankful Owen thrives despite CF. Praise God that Owen lives with so few health concerns. He amazes his medical professionals. (Lord, may we never take his health for granted!)
I love having Fridays alone with Eden. I get so little time one-on-one with her, and having a full day, just with her is fantastic. I know this young woman and I will butt heads forever, but I struggle to survive the moments I am apart from her. It is a strange and fabulous connection.
I have a husband willing to work himself to the grave to provide for me. Please, God, provide ONE job that will BE ENOUGH. I’d like to also say that I’m blessed that I married someone with so many talents (our bountiful garden is from his work). I’m amazed at his wisdom, endless talent for anything he determines to do, and patience with me! His recent fervor to lead our family in such a godly way is inspiring and overwhelming.
My church is a joyful celebration every Sunday. I eagerly anticipate each Sunday. This is a dream come true.
Despite the stress and work home-ownership brings, I love our home. Our street and our city are fantastic. Building this school has made me incredibly aware of how blessed we are to live in this community.

Laundry awaits. The end.

The Well

Last night we were at a party to celebrate all that has been accomplished in developing Loveland Classical Schools. (If you haven't heard, I'm leading an effort to start a charter school. Hence, the lack of posts on this blog.)
We were at a friend's house enjoying casual conversation while the kiddos were racing around having a great time. Mid-laugh, I stopped. My mommy ears could hear the cry of MY baby, and it was the worst kind of cry. I jumped & raced toward the stairs. My little man was slowly walking down, hiccuping air and tears. It was obvious he was hurt and terribly scared.
The story came tumbling out between gulps of breath.
Owen had fallen into a 4 foot window well, crawled out himself, and limped back to the house to find us. He was shaking with terror. As I listened, hugged, and kissed--I searched his body for injuries. He was crying so hard. There was more to the story though.
A young girl relayed the whole story: Several children had been outside playing and saw a bully--seriously, a 4 y.o. that was actually taller than Owen--hitting Owen and then push him down the well. You could feel the tension in the room, and I wondered how the fathers (including my husband) were going to react.
As I continued to listen to Owen and hold his shaking body, my husband disappeared. Later I found him with the accused child, who was trying to hide behind his grandmother (who, was pushing him TOWARDS Matt). Matt was down on his knees having a talk about honor with this child--as if he was his own son. Matt was firm, but loving. I was also proud of our friends & their boys--their father was having a defend & protect your friends talk. (He's also our chiropractor, so he generously checked Owen out to put my worries at ease.) Our friend's 3 year old son said later "Next time, I'll get that guy if he's hurting Owen." It was quite adorable.
That evening as we bathed Owen, taking the opportunity to double check for injuries--just a few bruises--Owen looked at me and said "He just said 'Goodbye.'"
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"He pushed me in the hole, and just said 'Goodbye.'" Shocked, I looked at Matt. Matt said that from his talk with the bully it was obvious he had no moral center or remorse, and definitely no strong father figure. Of all things, my heart ached for this bully! I was thankful that he was going to be part of our new school--a place where he'll be surrounded by teachers and parent volunteers that believe in instilling virtuous character into students.
Owen is doing good. He had a headache and was exhausted, but woke up today feeling fine--and seemingly a bit older.
I'm incredibly thankful for God's protection over my little man, and also for an incredible husband who honors God. Matt responded in a way that shows the love of God. I imagine God would've responded the same way to this boy who desperately needed someone to love him AND correct him.

Some Goals

The weeks are getting packed this summer.
I'm trying to start a charter school in Loveland. I'm leading and organizing a large group of community members and parents to make this happen. While I'm not doing all of the work (thankfully), I'm finding that being the leader is a strain in so many ways. I'm not discouraged or struggling with this, but sometimes I'm overwhelmed with the task.

This coming week is no exception. I have several meetings regarding the charter school, as well as research & writing to do. This on top of being a mom of two kids eager to experience all that summer has available. The garden needs to be harvested, and we have our usual get togethers, church functions, and work schedules.

I need to balance this chaos with some personal goals. Goals that have nothing to do with anyone else.

1. Sew ONE napkin. I have a huge pile of sewing, and a mind full of ideas. It's one of many hobbies that have long been neglected.
2. Organize "my side" of the bedroom. The piles must go if I am to feel free & clear to get everything done.
3. Get back on track with DAILY workouts. Whether it's 5 minutes or 20--I need to do something every day.
4. Make some DIY cleaning products, face & body products, and breakfast granola. Just another step in being frugal, and using what we have. I'll attempt one of each: a bathroom cleaner, coffee spice body scrub, and a granola base.

That's it. Just 4 goals. Wish me luck.

The Planting Continues, The Harvest Begins

May has been a busy garden month. This week we are completing the spring planting. All that remain are the squash and melon seedlings.

Last frost dates here along the northern front range usually are near Memorial Day weekend so the rapidly growing tomato plants were not so patiently waiting for their turn to go in the ground. Last friday, I took the risk and planted them out. The soil was warm and moist--perfect for tomatoes. Just our luck here in Colorado though, the following day was about 90 degrees with a stiff, hot wind out of the west. I spent Saturday gently spraying down the tomatoes with cool water to keep them from dehydrating in the leaves. The following Monday brought a strong cold wind. According to the newspaper, this was highly uncommon for late May. Anyway, all nine of the young tomatoes seem to be doing fine today--a bit tattered but growing well.

Since the beginning of May the nights have become warmer--now no lower than about 45 degrees. The lettuces, carrots, peas, and spinach have begun to grow in haste. We now go out and cut a small bowl full of spinach leaves every couple days or if we let it go, we get a large bowl packed full each week. Last night we had some friends over for dinner. We made a salad from greens from the garden. This was a perfect opportunity to thin the growing lettuces and make room for them to grow into fully developed heads. We quickly filled a bowl with two varieties of lettuce, swiss chard leaves, and spinach. To these we added chopped pecans, dried cranberries, and fresh pear slices. Topped with a gentle drizzle of honey mustard dressing, this salad was a delight.

Now what remains are the peppers, cucumbers, mellons, and squash. Peppers love hot soil so I am going to grow them in large pots on the patio. Currently they are in 4-inch pots in what has become the nursery house behind a stand of chard, carrots, and spinach. As soon as they go to their new homes, there will be room for two tomato plants, and a thick planting of basil. We also found some half-price blueberries at the local Lowes store. They are currently trying to recover from being locked up in the small plastic tubes they keep them in.

Ta-Da! List

I am a list-maker. I always have been. My parents recently stopped by with lists I made as a child. My husband found them humorous. Obviously, I haven’t changed much. Even when I was young my lists could stress me out. If I didn’t accomplish what I wrote, or if life didn’t go according to plan—I would be sincerely disappointed.

This year, I’ve started something new. Rather than making a daily to-do list, I make a Ta-Da! List. What's a Ta-Da! List, you ask? Well, it's the reverse of my to do's. It's everything I've accomplished today. I write them as I go about my day. I keep a magnetic pad on the fridge with a bright sharpie nearby. As I walk about the house working on projects, I add on another thing I’ve done. Both the small stuff, like helping my son find a missing toy (a daily adventure), and major jobs like scrubbing the toilets are celebrated as my ta-da’s.

Today’s Ta-Da! List:

Got the 2 year old dressed

Clipped the 2 year old’s finger nails

Went to work for 2 ½ hours

Doctor’s appointment

Lunch with husband

Read to & put both kids down for naps

Answered all pending e-mails

Worked on blog

…And the day isn’t over yet!

Do you have those extremely exhausting days that you feel that you never stopped working, and yet nothing seems to be done? Me too. My to-do list is never-ending and ever growing. It’s incredibly disheartening. My Ta-Da! List only lasts a day, but each day is full of ta-da’s. Which, gives me perspective, understanding, and grace when I can’t seem to understand why I couldn’t get more done off my to-do list. It’s also energizing! Seeing what I’ve already been able to do, gives me hope for the remainder of the day.

I haven’t abandoned my to-do list. I love crossing things off it too much to abandon it all together. However, my Ta-Da! List provides me affirmation and encouragement. Give it a try.

Another Ta-da List

I have to do these posts every so often. Bear with me.

Today I have:

• Counseled a young new mom at 6:30 this morning.
• Worked at Tenfold from 8-1 p.m.
• Had lunch, put kids down for naps
• Balanced the check book, updated the budget, and paid bills
• Worked with my freelance client on their website & flyer
• Wrote copy for the preschool newsletter, as well as the upcoming pancake breakfast I'm coordinating
• Did some charter school research
• Spoke with a mom about the pancake breakfast AND the charter school
• Wrote this blog :)

Still need to make dinner, help Owen with his nebulizer, find a sitter for Thursday while I'm at the preschool, and plan out Tuesday's schedule.

Stay-cation Days 1-3

This is why I love living in Colorado: Staying home on vacation can be just as fulfilling as going away.

Monday was our first official day off. It was a bit overwhelming with all the ideas of what we wanted to do and needed to do, exhaustion, and urgency to do it all. We made a list on the bathroom mirror, and started tackling it.

I had promised Owen a bike ride for several days, and knowing that we were in for good weather--I wanted to make it happen Monday. It didn't happen like I expected, but we managed a bike ride--to the grocery store. This was a blessing in disguise. We learned that Owen's skill level is not quite ready for a long trek downtown--what we had originally planned for the day. He had fun, and we got what we needed for dinner and a redbox movie.

We did a bit of gardening, rested, made Mediterranean pasta, and watched Where The Wild Things Are.

On Tuesday, we realized the kids weren't quite sure how to handle having Mom & Dad available to them 24/7. It was obviously overwhelming, and their emotions were kind of haywire. We spent a lot of time hugging and holding, a bit of discipline and correction, and then planned for a big bike ride on the trails in Loveland. Matt picked the route, and it was awesome. Owen has a tendency to turn his head, and then his bike turns with him--right into oncoming pedestrians and bikers.

The weather was gorgeous, and we all enjoyed the ride to the park. If you live in Loveland and haven't experienced Fairgrounds Park--you're missing out. In the summer they activate the water fountains for kids to play & get soaked, but today was perfect for dangling toes into the river. Eden just wanted to swing, swing, swing, but when I dipped her little feet into the water she was squealing with delight.

We enjoyed a light lunch there, but the clouds and wind picked up. So, we scrambled to bike back to the truck in a hurry. Unfortunately, Owen was zonked. Matt pedaled ahead while Eden crashed out in the chariot, but I struggled along with our tired boy. He made it, and announced that he didn't want to bike anymore. (That lasted until after nap time.) We were all tired and sunburned, but it was a good tired.

We ate burgers, oven fries, and sipped limeades. We rented The Princess and The Frog--which, I actually enjoyed. Even laughed-out-loud a few times.

Wednesday--today. My awesome MIL came over at 8 a.m. to watch the kiddos. I think we all needed a break from each other. Plus, enjoying breakfast with my husband--without interruption--HEAVEN. Matt and I headed to the jeweler to start the hunt for a new wedding ring. If you don't already know, my wedding ring met an untimely death in the garbage disposal. The jeweler still carries my ring, but it's nearly 3x the price we paid for it. :( We're working on options, but it was good to finally get a chance to look around. Next, we went to REI. It's dividend season, and we were itching to find our goodies for this year's camping trips. I got a collapsible camp sink, and Matt got a new head lamp. We also picked up a new water bottle for Eden. Owen will inherit Matt's old head lamp, so he'll be more than thrilled.

Tonight we're planning to go to the theatre. I didn't realize this before vacation, but we have 6 movie tickets/gift cards/passes. Two tickets to 3 different theaters. What a find! Dinner is a favorite--rigatoni with tomatoes and mozzarella. YUM!

Our list is shrinking, but still lots of ideas:

More time in the garden

I have sewing & knitting projects

A trip to the library

A date night

Family rock climbing

Something I've included in our vacation plan this year is getting back into routine. Starting tomorrow (yes, I know it's 5 days before the end of vacation) we're getting up early, and going to bed early. We'll be more deliberate in our plans, and stay on our flexible schedule. I don't want Monday to come, hit us hard, and make it difficult to get back into the swing of things. At the end of this vacation I want to feel rested, accomplished, refreshed and ready to tackle to the world again.

Couldn't Have Said It Better Myself

Love this.

It's great to be passionate, but let's not pull our hate into our passion.

Oh Yes, He Did

Owen was a little too creative today.

His victim before:

And after:

That didn't look too bad. Try this one.

Oh, it gets better.

Eden? Couldn't be happier.

Garden 2010

This year begins a series of energy and money saving ventures at our house. One of these is reducing the miles our vegetables travel while teaching Owen and Eden about where vegetables come from.

The winter has been spent determining what we would like to grow and planning the best way to grow it. We finally settled on a series of 4-foot square wooden raised beds that allow for plastic tents to be raised over them to protect young seedlings from cold and frost. Back in early March we got five of these beds constructed and the soil prepped for planting.

March 12: The whole family went out and planted the first of the beds. Snow Peas, English Peas, Spinach, and Carrots went in with much excitement on the part of Owen and Eden who were quite thrilled to take turns planting rows of each variety. After we covered each row of seeds with a thin layer of soil and watered them in we rolled out a plastic cover to keep the soil warm at night.

March 14: A cold wind from the east greeted us this morning. I asked the kids if they wanted to go plant the next bed but they preferred to stay in the cozy indoors. I quickly planted a row each of Swiss Chard, Flashy Trout's Back Butter Lettuce, Nevada Romaine Lettuce, and Green Kale under the plastic A-frame tent covering the bed. After applying a quick shower of water I too retreated to the warmth of the house to plant a seed flat with San Marzano & Principe Borghese Tomatoes, Red Bell Peppers, and Parsley. These I placed on the heat mat in the garage under a plastic cover set at a balmy 85 degrees.

March 19: Snow. Lots of snow. Fortunately the seeds are comfortably under their plastic tents. Nothing to do but wait for warm weather again.

March 22: The first of the tomato seedlings pokes up looking for sunlight. It is small and spindly but eager to grow. I realize that we will need grow lights very soon to ensure strong young plants.

March 23: They're everywhere! Nearly all of the tomatoes are up. Now we wait on the peppers. According to one book I read recently, they will appear about the time you give up on them and set out to start over. I improvised a grow light today from a shop light and a cool blue CFL bulb I had around the house. I can already tell I will need more light but at least the seedlings are not growing sideways--trying to reach the kitchen window--anymore.

My Family from WiddlyTinks.com

Spinning Plates

• Forty Foot Music
• Nurtured Mother
• Tenfold
• freelancing
• Vintage City Church
• starting a charter school
• on the board for Community Preschool
• mother
• wife
• me

I'm sorry, but the woman you are trying to contact is no longer accepting your bid for her time. Thanks for calling.

2010 Major Goals

In no particular order:

• Make family devotional time a regular habit.
• Increase Matt's studio to a point that it independently provides our necessary income.
• Become more sustainable (a.k.a. living green, holistically, etc.)
• Create opportunities for our kids that lead them to success.
• Learn what *works* for our family, and build upon that.

All of these, of course, have several smaller goals that need to be met to be successful.

So, the first 2 are pretty self-explanatory. Let me address the latter 3.

Become more sustainable.

Matt & I crave the simple life. I often ask him if we can be Amish. Apparently, that's a tad more extreme than he's willing to go. (Still loves playing his electric guitar.) A better balance for us is building a productive garden. We've experimented in our garden over the last few years, but this year it's going to be a pretty big deal. Now, we're just waiting for the snow to melt.

However, the garden isn't enough. I'm becoming domestic. I'm teaching myself to knit and sew. Not just as a hobby. I want to make clothing that my family will WANT to wear. This is also going to help me unplug. I spend a lot of time behind my computer, multi-tasking. I need to set aside time daily to DO something productive (b/c I don't know how to sit still), and yet also be unplugged. Knitting is very relaxing for me, and as I get better at sewing I'm finding it to also be a relaxing journey for my mind.

Gardening, knitting, sewing....there's more.

We're getting green. We're making slow, simple changes around the house. We recently went paperless in the kitchen--no paper towels. We compost & recycle. I'm always trying to find new uses for old stuff. I'm reading & learning how to make my own cleansers, hair & facial products, and becoming a more efficient cook.

Create opportunities for our kids that leads them to success.

We have lots of little goals for each of the kids. We want O to read before kindergarten. We want E to be out of diapers before the end of 2010. Mostly, though, we want them take advantage of opportunities that lead them to success. This is a daily habit. We want them to see they have the opportunity to make good choices. We want them to recognize it, seize it, and grow from it. "It" could be a lot of things.

So, how do you create opportunity? For example, LONG before E was ready to potty train I purchased her big-girl panties. She knew for months they were there, waiting for her. Every so often she asked to wear them, we let her, and an accident would happen. Back in the drawer (after cleaning) they would go. Then, a month ago--she was ready to kick training into full gear. She's tackled it full-on, and now wants to go to bed without a diaper. She had the opportunity & took it. Another example--I try to keep tabs on the kiddos' conversations. When I hear things going downhill--I tell them they have the opportunity to make a good choice. It gets quiet, and every so often they choose well. Other times, a little mommy mediation is required. Oh yes, and sometimes some separation. :) They are, after all, siblings. The point is, I make them aware of what is going on, so that they can recognize opportunity.

We're also seeking out opportunities--schools, classes, etc. However, it will be essential to determine what and WHEN. Everything has a time and a place.

Learn what *works* for our family, and build upon that.

Over the course of the last couple years I've learned sincerely that what is standard, or good for the majority, or even just what happens to work for another family--DOES NOT necessarily work for us. In fact, it may even make us miserable, because we're trying to live up to something (or someone) that really has no understanding of our family. Furthermore, God made our family unique, and I'm confident He has a plan for us that may not look anything like the plan he has for yours.

This has been a huge realization in our finances. We kept trying to do things the Ramsey way (for example), or some other financial guru's way. Guess what? They have no idea all the details of our finances & situation, and they DON'T have all the answers. We were getting so frustrated, and now we've created a system that works for us. We still listen and learn from others--there are definite pearls of wisdom out there, but you need a lot of pearls to make a necklace. I really like where we are at--even though it's not perfect. We make tweaks along the way.

I remind myself of this goal daily. I'm a perfectionist, and I'm quick to judge myself and compare myself to others. That's not what God wants from me, I'm sure. I have to remind myself that what worked for her--may not work for me, and may not be what God wants for me.

For example, I recently read about another mom blogger who used baking soda to wash her hair. Being that I'm striving to live more naturally--I wanted to try. I followed her directions EXACTLY. It didn't work. My hair was gross. I gave up, frustrated. A few months later I came back to the idea. I thought maybe I needed to try a different approach--it worked fantastically! Now, I'm using baking soda instead of shampoo on an almost daily basis. We're saving a ton, and it's better for the environment on many levels.

This year is very exciting. I feel more like our time and energy is focused, purposeful. Rather than being controlled, and a slave to our circumstances--we're managing our lives. Please note, I did not say controlling our lives. Yep, that realization came too--we're not in control (very hard for a control freak to say that). We can, however, manage.

February 11, 2010

What I did today:

1. Stuffed, stamped, and mailed out over 500 Valentines for Tenfold.

2. Made lunch for 3 kids and 1 spouse (with much appreciated help from said spouse).

3. Baked cookies.

4. Applied for 3 full time jobs. (Just in case.)

5. Played dress-up, tea party, and mommies with Eden.

6. Utilized playtime with Eden to multi-task & tidy house. (She's got to learn sometime what it really means to be a mommy, right?)

7. Ate 3 cookies, and a large scoop (or two) of cookie dough. (The day is not over either, folks.)

Still have laundry to fold and dinner to make. Yep, it's Thursday.

Money Matters: Part 2

We've started our plan. No doubt it will be tweaked along the way, but we've got a good start.

1. Increase income--We don't know how else to cut expenses w/o compromising health. At first, increasing income also seemed impossible. Matt works 2 jobs, plus takes side work wherever possible. I work for 3 companies and manage the house and kids. There aren't enough hours in the day to work anymore. Two things we concluded: 1. We have to maximize what we're already doing. Matt needs to spend more time working on the job that makes more money. Tamara needs to work as much as possible, but still have balance for managing the home (because lack of time at home means the budget and home finances begin to deteriorate). 2. This will take time. I think we've always thought that, well, if we're working as hard as we can that everything will just fix itself. Nope. We're learning a whole new way to approach work that will yield us the greatest return and benefit. It's going to be a process, and it won't happen over night. Darn. We will get there though.
2. A measly $1k starter-emergency fund doesn't cut it. Rarely are our emergencies less than $1k. We looked through our past, and it's $2500 or more to cover emergencies. Saving enough to prepare for ruin has been our downfall: We first started attacking our debt and budget over 10 years ago, and then moved cross-country to a higher cost-of-living area. Another time--a new baby, early, birth issues along with a job that wasn't paying on time along with the largest tax bill we've ever had. Yet again, just recently, my car required a new clutch and new brakes--nearly $1700 worth of repairs. Each of these emergencies has wiped us out, and then some. We've spent our entire marriage starting over. Before we can pay off debt, we've got to make sure that we don't go into debt further b/c of life's emergencies. So, whether it's $1 or $100--each pay check is going to get a bit moved into that fund.
3. Pay off credit cards. Simple as that.
4. Pay off student loans.
5. Save even more. Now, I want to prepare for catastrophes.
6. Retirement, education, mortgage.

Another step, that doesn't really have a place is refinancing the house. Our mortgages will be the death of us, if we don't find a way soon to get it refinanced. Unfortunately, a lot of these other steps have to happen before a lender will even talk to us.

Goals. I read a great book that talked about having a "Would You Rather." This is that one thing you really, really, really want. For me, it's a tropical vacation for the family. For Matt, a guitar. The "Would You Rather" comes into play whenever we make purchases. Sure, it's always been in our heads to say would you rather buy a new car or get out of debt. However, there are days when it seems we will NEVER be out of debt. So, it's all to easy to say screw it, and buy whatever large or small item is tempting us (even when it's the more expensive cut of meat at the grocery, or gourmet item--I mean, after all, it's food & easily to justify as "needed"). So, now I say "Would I rather go on that vacation, or buy the organic, free-range, grass fed chicken eggs?" Makes it easy. Hello store-brand eggs. (This was just a random example--I really could care less about eggs.)

Out of curiosity--what's your "Would You Rather?"

Detox In Review

I was asked almost daily why we were detoxing. I didn't have an answer. I guess it was, at first, assumed in my head that detoxing is what you're just supposed to do to get in better health. As I am doing with many things in our lives--I began to review the why in this detox.

What got us here?

Why is this important?

What am I trying to accomplish?

Here's what I've come up with so far, and forgive me for the bullets--I'm not feeling very eloquent in my writing today.

• The further away we were from the summer/farmer's market season, etc., The fewer vegetables were being consumed. We primarily have potatoes and carrots remaining, and well--those aren't even really the best from the vegetable world. It was really making for a boring dinner menu.
• Save for the recent lack of vegetables, we really don't eat all that bad. I really enjoy the food we eat, and deprivation from certain foods allowed me to re-learn and appreciate food again.
• Detoxing also reenergized my food creativity. At first I was just so down and tired that cooking and re-learning to cook differently was a struggle. Now, I'm looking at recipes differently. It also inspired our garden-to-be for 2010.
• One thing I didn't accomplish that I fully intended to make a part of the program was to spend more time in prayer and meditation over God's word. Instead, to stave off hunger pains I used distraction--facebook primarily--which, has led to another self discovery that we'll save for another time.
• After the detox I understood hunger better. I'm not eating as much as I did before the detox. I feel full easily, and I'm more aware of when I need to eat.
• Throughout the experience, I knew this wasn't some sort of game of beating myself into food submission. I wasn't fasting, and I allowed myself certain--for lack of better terminology--"cheats." For example, the day my wedding ring was destroyed in the garbage disposal I ate a handful of chocolate chips. After a LONG labor and birth--a few bites of grilled chicken. My body, mind, and soul needed those, and I do not regret or feel that it was wrong to eat them.
• The detox stimulated a lot of conversation for my husband and myself. I think we're detoxing life right now, and this was just the first step to help us understand what is to come in 2010.

So, maybe you die-hard detox champions out there think that I really didn't do a "real" detox. Oh well. This wasn't for you. I feel good, and I pooped like a champ the whole week. We plan to do another in the summer--when more produce is in season. I'll probably still eat chocolate.

Money Matters: Part 1

Step one of my 2010 master-plan in the realm of finance: 'fessing up on all the money mistakes. Now, I'm sure this list won't include everything--no doubt it took A LOT of mistakes for us to get where we are, and it isn't all inclusive. Meaning, I'm not going to get specific here, like "we should have never bought _____." No, I'm understanding now it's not the specific, singular mistake--it's the attitudes and beliefs that went into making those decisions that really matter.

Money Mistakes:

• Believing that getting & using credit cards was "necessary" to build our credit history/give us better chances at buying a car or house.
• Thinking that "leftover" grant, scholarship, or loan money during college was "free" to spend on whatever.
• Believing that it wasn't important to pay off credit cards while in college, because afterall, when we graduate we'll have AMAZING, WELL-PAYING jobs that will zap that debt into oblivion.
• Believing that we HAVE to buy a house NOW, because "renting is like throwing money away."
• Not learning HOW to budget before ever getting a checking account.
• Not learning WHY to budget before ever getting a checking account.
• Believing that a savings account was for whenever we ran out of money in checking, rather than for emergencies or reaching goals.
• Learning, understanding, and respecting the tithe sooner.
• Justifying every purchase.
• Regretting every purchase.
• Just because something you want is on sale, or the best deal, doesn't mean it's the right time, or right thing for your family.
• Just because it's not on sale or not a great deal, doesn't mean it's bad or wrong.
• Just because they're an expert, doesn't mean you should trust them with your money.

What are your money attitude mistakes? What have you learned from bad financial choices?