Getting Ready

It's about 5:30 a.m. The colonoscopy is at 7 a.m. I finished drinking the NASTY 4 liters of "rip your insides out" juice a little while ago. It was a bit like giving yourself food poisoning. On a positive note, if there is one, I did lose about 5 pounds. The side effect I hadn't expected was the intense cold. While everyone else last night was enjoying the warm autumn evening, I had on big socks and a sweater. Even with that I was shivering.

I didn't sleep much, but that had little to do with an anxious heart and more to do with a certain toddler. Matt left for work about an hour ago, and we took the time to pray together before he left.

I finished reading my book. I started writing out all the scripture the author mentions in the book. I memorize well by re-writing. It's helping. So have all the encouraging notes, messages, and drop-by friends. Thank you.

I've prepared the kiddos for today. They were very concerned with the amount of time Mommy was spending on the potty last night. I think they'll be a bit anxious, especially Eden, when they see Mommy heavily sedated.

Sedation is probably my last remaining fear. I've always had a fear of sedation--I'm sure because of watching too many medical documentaries. In all fairness though, the last time I was sedated I woke up puking and by being told that I was going in for a 2nd surgery in order to save my life from bleeding out. Good times.

What does one wear to a colonoscopy? I'm thinking comfy pants for sure. (This is about as deep as it gets this early in the morning.)

Anxiety

Worst-case scenario: I might have cancer. (Sorry, Mom, I know you don't like me saying that.)

We'll know soon enough. I've had this pain, amongst other embarrassing symptoms I'd rather not share, for a long time. I deal with it. There's other things that need my attention, and I'm tough. A couple weeks ago the pain came with a warning dream. (We don't mess around with my dreams in this house.) Wednesday I'm having a colonoscopy (and now you can imagine the embarrassing symptoms). What's really sad is that I'm just as anxious for what they don't find. It means still not knowing and more tests.

Here's irony for you: I was so anxious last night I couldn't even read my book. It's title? "Calm My Anxious Heart" It really is a fabulous book. I was able to sleep, but it was fitful. I gave up early this morning, and finally was able to dive into my book. It was exactly what I needed before going to worship. I was able to keep my cool, even with the "how are you doing" questions, up until a group of loving brothers and sisters in Christ laid hands on me to pray.

I am a certified worrier. Ask my brother. I remember him saying to me all the time "You worry too much." He was right. I'm not sure there was anything that I didn't worry about. I've gotten better. Not much, but it's a slow process. I'm quite addicted to it, for sure.

I've been in church long enough to hear all the cliches: "Let go, and Let God," The Serenity Prayer, and others. It's simple to say, "trust God." It's a whole other thing to do it. How do you do it? How do you physically let go of your worries, your burdens, your needs, your desires--and let God take the wheel (another cliche)? How do you NOT try to manipulate circumstances? What does it LOOK like?

Okay, so the simple answer seems to be pray more. When it came to our finances I had to do more. I needed to confess. I needed a community to hold me accountable. (By the way, we have not used our credit cards for anything in almost two weeks. Our needs are met day by day by those the Lord burdens to our door.) Confessing didn't make it easy. I'm a proud woman too, and it's humbling having people bring you groceries or giving you money to pay your bills. I needed to also give an outward sign. Credit cards could no longer be our safety net. God is now our safety net. Either He provides or we do without--THIS IS NOT EASY. Think toilet paper, my friends. Think, laundry detergent. Or even when your child has a simple desire, "Mom, can I have more juice?"

So, here is my confession of anxiety (and out the door goes a little more of my pride).

I am worried that I have colon cancer. I'm worried that they won't find anything, and I'll continue to deal with mystery pain and symptoms.

I'm worried that I will continue to gain weight despite that I workout almost daily and eat a healthy diet.

I'm worried that the stress in my life and worry in my life is the true cause of all my health issues, and I have no idea how to change that without letting down myself, my family and my community.

I worry that we will never be relieved of our financial crisis. I worry my husband will always be working from sun up to sun down just to keep us (barely) afloat.

I worry about the financial burden my health will be on our already over-burdened budget.

I worry about my kids (that's an extensive list alone, you mothers & fathers understand that).

That's about all I can handle confessing right now. How do I make God my safety net on my anxieties? I've physically stopped using credit cards for anything, but how do I STOP worrying? How do you deal with anxiety?

The History of Financial Demise

I was 16 when I met my husband. I didn’t have a checking account. I think I had a savings account. I had worked a few jobs, but didn’t know much about managing money. When we decided to get married, my father (a minister) immediately started us in premarital counseling. Our biggest struggle was a lack of communication and understanding in finances. Amazing how after 12 years of marriage not much has changed.

We opened a checking account together to pay for wedding expenses. Just before we married I turned 18 and the first of thousands of credit card offers came in the mail. Knowing that we’d be leaving for Ireland shortly after the wedding, I thought a credit card would be great for any emergencies overseas. It was. However, our definitions of emergency might differ. I know my current definition is much different than back then.

Costs of that trip to Ireland, our wedding, and “stuff” amounted to $10,000 worth of credit card debt (tens of thousands worth of student loans) within 3 months of being married. After a year of marriage, we had 10 different credit cards, and maintained $10,000 of credit debt year after year.

We hadn’t been married for 2 years when we heard our pastor talk about his friend—Dave Ramsey. Being that we worked at a bookstore, we had heard about this Financial Peace book, and had read all the hype. Our pastor did an amazing series of sermons based on Dave Ramsey’s book and classes on being debt free. It was the first time I was convicted of debt being a sin—it was slavery.

I had grown up in a family that was always in debt and always struggling financially. I believed credit was there for us whenever we “needed” something we didn’t have. My husband was the opposite. His family pinched pennies, and lived on as little as possible to be as frugal as possible. To the extreme that as soon as he was “free” he spent every cent he had within 3 months. This was not a good mix for our marriage.

After hearing our pastor speak, we purchased the tapes (that would be the precursor to CD’s—you know, those things that came before the Ipod). We listened to them over and over, applying the strategies to our lives as quickly as possible. Children were our next goal, and we really wanted to be free from debt before kiddos came along. We planned our debt snowball, worked hard, and started making great strides. I think we made it down to about $6,000 before a big transition happened. My husband was offered a job 3,000 miles away from where we lived. It was a great opportunity, so we jumped. The move alone cost us nearly $5,000. Guess how we paid for that? Credit. Oh, and by the way—our student loans—yep, still in forbearance. At this point, we had a car loan and a truck loan too. We made about $45,000 per year.

Lies
Hindsight is 20/20, and I look back at the mistakes we made, both big and small that got us to our financial demise. The first was “you can pay off your credit when you graduate and get a job.” Ha. The next big one was “Renting is like throwing money away. You HAVE to buy a house.” Everyone said that to us—friends, family, bank loan managers, everyone.

We attempted to buy a house in Connecticut, but it was ridiculous. We didn’t like living there, and we couldn’t afford to live there. The cost of living was way higher than Oklahoma, and our income hadn’t increased much. The 3,000 miles that separated us from our family was pretty horrible too. Trying to visit for weddings and holidays cost a pretty penny too. Though we had racked up our debt to $11,000 we still were determined to pay it down. Again, we got down to about $7,000 (loans still in forbearance, and still paying on car and truck).

I quit my job and we moved to Colorado, trusting God had a different plan for us. We had a strategy. I would move first, find a job, and get us settled. Matt would then quit his job, and move out later. I did indeed find a job right away. I was laid off two weeks later. I called Matt to tell him the news, only to find out that he had quit his job earlier than planned. He quickly joined me in Colorado to start our careers over again. I drained my retirement fund, and God provided money to pay bills. Truly, that was the first time I really saw God’s hand at work on our finances.

Family took care of many of our needs, and it wasn’t long before I found another job. Matt got work tiling, and started taking on students. Slowly, we started to recover. We both got better paying jobs. The lie that buying a house was of utmost important was shouted to us at every direction. Make no mistake—with or without the lies, we wanted a house!

So, we bought a house—with help from family. It wasn’t extravagant, and it was well within what we were “qualified” to buy (according to the mortgage lender). In April of 2004 we moved in and finally “settled down.” I had a great job, and Matt was leading a campus ministry and teaching music lessons.

If it’s not one thing, it’s another.
Despite buying a house we truly couldn’t afford, we managed to pay down debt and pay for our house. We weren’t on a budget—I didn’t really understand the term. What we had was more like a spending plan. I knew where every dollar was spent, but I wasn’t managing when and how. We had lined up our debt to pay it off, and had already knocked off all the car payments.

The truck was soon paid off too. We still used our credit cards, but our mentality was always—it’s only for when we can’t afford something we need. Need, like emergencies, is defined a bit differently now.

We actually saved quite a bit too. Again, though, our mentality on savings was different then too. We saved to buy something big, rather than save for emergencies. In fact, we saved so much we took our first real vacation—a long past-due honeymoon to Hawaii. It was fabulous. Unlike our trip to Ireland, we had the cash for…most of it. I was very conscious though of every dime, and made sure to pay off the trip “extras” as soon as we got home. Of course, though, our savings was now demolished.

In the meantime, just before leaving for our vacation I found out that I was expecting our first child. I had great insurance, and we were rebuilding our savings. We had few concerns about the cost coming with a new baby. We planned for a home birth, and paid out of pocket for the care—which was actually cheaper than the hospital. However, our son came earlier than expected. My birth had complications that required a hospital birth. Our midwife did not refund her fees, so we had her fees, the hospital fees, and we had an unexpected high tax bill in 2005. In total, within one month we had to come up with over $6,000.

A couple months later we discovered our son has a genetic disorder—Cystic Fibrosis, and life-long, expensive medical care became our reality. We stopped all non-essential spending—no more house updates/non-necessary repairs, no non-essential car repairs, nothing. However, we installed an air conditioning unit. Another $3,000 (financed). Why? For our son’s health. (If you want details, feel free to contact me for the full rationale of this purchase.)

Our credit debt continued to fluctuate between $6-$10,000. We still were not making payments on our school loans, and we now had a mortgage. When our son was born we had a few months that we couldn’t pay the mortgage. Matt ministry job always hit rough times in the summer months, and couldn’t pay him his salary. We were able to catch up, and things once again began to improve—especially after I returned to work.

However, a few months after our son’s diagnosis, we realized that our work in college ministry was not the best environment for his health. Matt resigned in the fall of 2005. We knew we both had to work, but someone had to be home. Hiring a full-time nanny was not financially possible—and not our ideal life. I went back to work full-time, while Matt stayed home. Matt continued to teach and take on tile jobs around my schedule. Money was tight. If we didn’t have the cash for food, fuel, clothes or any other need—we used credit. If something broke, we used credit to fix it. There was always something.

Summers were rough—they still are rough. Matt’s teaching studio income fluctuated greatly. My income went up, but I was never home (mentally, and sometimes physically). I loved my job, but I missed my family. Working so much, neither of us paid much attention to our budget, spending, or debt pay off plan—our debt skyrocketed to $16,000.

Early in 2007, I found out that our second child was on the way. Matt took on a second job at Starbucks. Nearing the end of this pregnancy I felt something totally different. I prayed. Matt prayed. I truly felt God saying—you’re coming home this time for good. This made utterly no sense to me. I loved my job. We needed the income. I would go crazy at home, I was sure of it. Matt’s income would not be sufficient, even working two jobs.

Once again, a traumatic birth led to outrageous medical bills. I did return to work, but only to resign. God’s calling on me was LOUD and clear. I kicked, I screamed—and in true form—I negotiated. I tried EVERYTHING to make work, work. God clearly put his foot down.

God put his foot down, but I said, “Okay, I’ll make this work.” Even before I came home, I had put into progress building my own company. I attended doula school after my son was born—not sure why, again it was a God calling. I thought, ah surely God wants me to make money with this. I poured our savings into making a company a reality.

Please keep in mind, while doing all of this I was in the midst of post-partum depression. I didn’t know it or accept it at the time, but I’ve now come to understand it. Working was my way of not dealing with pain, anger, or sadness.

We also met with friends and family that had good financial knowledge and practice to help us get our finances in order. We knew we were in terrible shape. We made about a third of what we made while I was working. Our expenses had decreased significantly, but not enough. We learned to really make a budget, but still didn’t understand how to live by one.

I’m not sure when exactly, but sometime during this time—some time in late 2008, maybe early 2009—I heard God’s voice. This was very new to me. I grew up conservative. God spoke to people in the Bible, not to me. The Holy Spirit was more of legend than true existence. I have no doubt it was God, and no doubt on what He said. I was asleep, and like a whisper that pierced through my body I heard—no, I FELT—God say to me “make your husband a success.” I say felt, because it was way more than just some words spoken to me. It was utterly, to my core, a new way of being. I literally sat up with a gasp. I was clear on my mission and purpose.

My business went on hold. I no longer pursued marketing and building my business. All my energies were now on Matt. Here’s what I didn’t know: how. Don’t get me wrong—I definitely THOUGHT I knew what God meant. I thought I was supposed to make his teaching business successful. I now realize that was only a small part of it. This isn’t about our marriage though, so I’m not going into those details. Just know that I now focused on building his business, and doing everything I could to make him a financial success.

I did. His studio more than doubled in size. God also blessed my business and me. Though I put no effort into marketing my business, clients came—amazingly, right when we needed a bit more cash to make it through.

Two years went by. We slowly paid down over $5,000 in debt. If you’re keeping tally—when I came home from full time work we had over $20,000 in credit card debt. I did take on a part-time job to keep us afloat, but most of my energies were at home. However, every time a crisis happened—we once again relied on credit to see us through.

Here we are.
Once again, the teaching studio declined, but this time it wasn’t too bad. We had more students than we ever had had in a previous summer. What’s more—many of them were new students! How fabulous, we thought! Okay, so we don’t have enough to pay for food, fuel, or any other expenses beyond bills—BUT that’s okay. Matt had been offered a teaching job for the fall, and with that new income plus the usual boom in August for the studio—we’d be set. Then, I lost my part-time job. Then, August came. Very few students returned. We’re short more than 10 students. We put our expenses on credit knowing for sure that we’d pay it off when fall came.

We still can’t pay for expenses outside of bills.

We’re on WIC.

The kids are on Medicaid.

Matt works at Starbucks about 25-30 hours a week. He teaches 9 hours a week at his studio, and 8 hours at a charter school.

I take on work when I can.

We make $2500-$3000 per month.

Something changed last week. For years I always said, “well, if we need bread and don’t have money for bread—we have to use credit to buy bread, right?” How else do you feed your kids? Last week, something new came to mind. I don’t know what led to it. I’ve always talked about trust in God. How we’re trusting God and have for so long.

Nope. Not really. How am I trusting God? When I use credit, I’m saying I’m in control. We don’t have money for food, so I take control to provide our food. I don’t let God take care of us. I struggled with this thought, though. How could we do that? How does that work? Food is a necessity. My son eats more than I do. I don’t want the world to know our issues. I don’t want to be a bother, needy, or dependent on other people. No way, I mean, I grew up learning that you have to pull your own weight, pull yourself up by your own bootstraps, put on your big-girl panties and deal with it. How will God provide?!?!? Again, I’m struggling with trust.

So, in a moment of deep sadness and emotion, I posted a note on my blog and facebook. The response was overwhelming in many ways. One, the encouragement and prayers. Two, learning that not only are many of our friends in the same boat—several are struggling even more so than we are. Finally, the response from a handful of folks, that despite them not really having the funds either—fed us. We received so many groceries that our pantry is packed and many groceries are filling our kitchen counter.

This is God’s intention for our people. To love and care for each other. To meet each other’s needs. To trust Him completely. I’ve committed myself to not use credit anymore for anything. Gulp. It’s hard to write that. Satan is coming after me for that. He’s going to test me. Something, I’m sure, is going to break, fall apart, or need repair at any second. Satan, however, does not realize how truly stubborn I am.

Relying on others is very difficult. It’s humbling. It’s frustrating. I’m the one that likes to take care of others, and being served by others is embarrassing for me. At the same time, I think it’s right to do good for others even when you’re struggling. Today, I was blessed to care for a friend. Simply taking the opportunity to clean her house and care for her kids was incredibly fulfilling. That’s how it’s supposed to work though—this is carrying each other’s burdens. Do whatever you can now. Don’t wait to be asked. See a need—get it done.

What are you going to do today? Can you put gas in my car? Can I watch your kids? How far will you trust God? Are you afraid to share your burdens? What’s the worst that’s going to happen? Will you be embarrassed? Do you not want people to know your sins, worries, and anxieties? Or, maybe you’ll realize today that hiding your needs and trying to pull yourself up by your own bootstraps isn’t God’s design. (Read Acts.)

Maybe you can’t help someone financially or physically. You can pray. But, don’t just say that. Mean it. Get on your knees. Tell me your needs and I’ll tell you mine. My prayer list has grown tremendously in the last few days. Get specific. One gal that brought us food—I learned her husband needs a job. I said I’d use my network to see what’s out there for him, but more importantly—I’m praying, specifically for him to get a job. I’ve also created a list of things we need—like olive oil. We’re nearly out, and we’ll need more. So, I’m praying God provides the olive oil. I believe God will provide all that I need and all that you need too.

Faith, Finances, and Four Hours

It’s been so long since I blogged, and there is so much going on in my life. Prepare yourself.
I’m reaching a point of hopelessness. I have always been the one to see the silver lining, find the good in all the bad, and be joyful always. Here’s the fact: After working diligently for 2 years to pay off debt, within 5 months we’re back to where we started. This isn’t the first time to go backwards. It seems no matter how hard we work—Matt works 3 jobs, plus any side work he can fit in, and I do anything I can to help out that still allows me to be the primary care giver of the kids—we continue to slip backwards.
Let’s skip all nitty gritty details and long stories. We’re not buying jet skis, taking vacations, or absorbed in material possession. We can’t buy food. We can’t pay for medical expenses. We don’t have enough income to do anything except pay the bills and the minimum on debt.
Two years ago, I heard God say to come home to help my husband and kids succeed. Despite that I went kicking, screaming, and fighting His will, I finally submitted. I quit a great paying job to be home. Meanwhile, we depended on the good will of family and friends to make ends meet. We’ve cut expenses, sold what we can, and found other ways to get things done. We’re on government aid, eat a lot from our own garden, and work ALL THE FREAKING TIME. It’s not working. I doubt my calling. I apply for jobs to “test” God’s calling on me.
Moving on. The last 6 months I’ve been working on a project that feels like an out of body experience. I never EVER intended on leading a grassroots effort to start a school. It’s bizarre. It’s ridiculous. However, when I’m in “charter school mode,” you would think that I’m a zealous educational reformer. It’s consuming and overwhelming. Too many things in this projects are fortuitous. I don’t believe in coincidences. God evidently has a purpose for this project, and I am merely a vessel doing His bidding. Inside, my little selfish self is screaming, “I want out. I want to stop caring. Please, God, find someone else.”
I know I’m supposed to help my husband and kids succeed. Is that why I’m building a school? Does God have a plan for us in this? I doubt because while I’m off in meeting after meeting after meeting, my husband’s studio is only at half-capacity (further deteriorating our financial health), and my kids plead for attention from mommy. Where is the blessing for being faithful? Is that wrong to even ask?
Here’s another question on faith & finances: If we are using credit to buy food, fuel, medication, etc.—is that being faithful? Are we lacking trust in God to provide for our needs by using credit to purchase food? The budget is black & white: no $$ for food. Not even beans & rice, folks. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. I’m struggling over this one big time.
Two years ago when we stepped out in faith & told our family & friends about our financial struggles, it was embarrassing & humiliating (& frustrating being judged by so many). Many reached out to provide for us. How horrible to now tell the world that yes, we’re still struggling. No, it hasn’t gotten better. The truth is, no matter how disappointed you are in us—we’re way more disappointed in ourselves. Honestly, I think it’s a miracle that we’re not further in debt than where we are now.
New topic: Dreaming. I long for the simpler life. A smaller home (you read right), less “plugged in” (I’d love to go a week without my computer), more gardening, more cooking, more time with family & friends. I’d love to FINISH a craft. I have 3 knitting projects sitting on needles. By the time I finish Eden’s dress it will be 2 sizes too small. I’d love to be more involved at church. I noticed this morning how out of touch I am with the fellowship. It’s a small church, and I realized I hardly know anyone or what’s going on in THEIR lives. I’m so overwhelmed with what I’ve got going on, I have no energy to meet new people and socialize. Not that what I’m doing isn’t benefiting others. I mean, I’ve got over 700 children counting on me to open them an awesome new school.
I’m so frustrated about the 4-hour distance between my folks and me. I wanted their move to Colorado to mean weekends together and more grandparent time. Four hours is much better than 20, it would seem, but since we rarely get 1 day off (let alone a weekend off) it’s nearly impossible to plan a trip to see them. I know they’re disappointed. It’s obvious in their voices every time I turn down an offer to come for a visit. The guilt is incredible.
Here’s something pretty crazy: I long to do household chores. I want so desperately to have the time to clean bathrooms, fold laundry, and mop my kitchen. I am not kidding.
Let’s talk about health. Owen is healthy, to the point I forget to be vigilant with his care. When he does struggle, I blame myself. (I have guilt complexes.) Me—well, I have issues. I’d rather not talk about them.
I miss hanging out with friends. What’s worse is that my best friend is moving to England. I ache for her already, and soon she’ll be across an ocean. Phone calls will have to be planned, not spontaneous opportunities to shower each other with love.
I remember a long time ago my dad taught my Sunday School class. I might have been in middle or early high school age. I remember him clearly talking about how in the future TIME would be the most precious commodity. I have never forgotten that class. I think he even underestimated how precious time would be for me.
I’m terrified I have so little time. So little time to instill wisdom into my kids. So little time to complete God’s will of me. So little time to enjoy precious moments with my husband. So little time. I can hear the clock ticking loudly in my ears. Pounding in my heart. I am at the front of a speeding train with no signs of slowing down.
I know a lot of you may read this, and you’ll be thinking of ways to solve these problems. You’ll have simple answers like she needs to stop working on that school. Or, you’ll say she should get a job to help get her family out of debt & financial burden. Or, that Matt should get a different, better paying job. Some might even recommend bankruptcy. Others of you will pray (thank you). Matt and I have prayed over every possible option. We’ve thought through every scenario. There is no simple solution or answer.
What we need is a miracle. I am 100% convinced God has us at his mercy and completely dependent on Him, so that He can show His mighty power to all.
This is my prayer: “Keep falsehood and lies far from me; give me neither poverty nor riches, but give me only my daily bread.” Proverbs 30:8

I hate complaining. I hate this post because it feels like a rant of complaints. Since I don’t often allow myself to pour out my heart to anyone—it would seem a lot has built up & just exploded. I hope you were well protected before this bomb went off.

In true form, I must end with the blessings in my life:
For the most part, I enjoy getting to home school my son. It’s obviously not a long-term plan for success, but seeing him grasp basics (like reading) brings me so much joy.
I am so thankful Owen thrives despite CF. Praise God that Owen lives with so few health concerns. He amazes his medical professionals. (Lord, may we never take his health for granted!)
I love having Fridays alone with Eden. I get so little time one-on-one with her, and having a full day, just with her is fantastic. I know this young woman and I will butt heads forever, but I struggle to survive the moments I am apart from her. It is a strange and fabulous connection.
I have a husband willing to work himself to the grave to provide for me. Please, God, provide ONE job that will BE ENOUGH. I’d like to also say that I’m blessed that I married someone with so many talents (our bountiful garden is from his work). I’m amazed at his wisdom, endless talent for anything he determines to do, and patience with me! His recent fervor to lead our family in such a godly way is inspiring and overwhelming.
My church is a joyful celebration every Sunday. I eagerly anticipate each Sunday. This is a dream come true.
Despite the stress and work home-ownership brings, I love our home. Our street and our city are fantastic. Building this school has made me incredibly aware of how blessed we are to live in this community.

Laundry awaits. The end.