Anxiety

Worst-case scenario: I might have cancer. (Sorry, Mom, I know you don't like me saying that.)

We'll know soon enough. I've had this pain, amongst other embarrassing symptoms I'd rather not share, for a long time. I deal with it. There's other things that need my attention, and I'm tough. A couple weeks ago the pain came with a warning dream. (We don't mess around with my dreams in this house.) Wednesday I'm having a colonoscopy (and now you can imagine the embarrassing symptoms). What's really sad is that I'm just as anxious for what they don't find. It means still not knowing and more tests.

Here's irony for you: I was so anxious last night I couldn't even read my book. It's title? "Calm My Anxious Heart" It really is a fabulous book. I was able to sleep, but it was fitful. I gave up early this morning, and finally was able to dive into my book. It was exactly what I needed before going to worship. I was able to keep my cool, even with the "how are you doing" questions, up until a group of loving brothers and sisters in Christ laid hands on me to pray.

I am a certified worrier. Ask my brother. I remember him saying to me all the time "You worry too much." He was right. I'm not sure there was anything that I didn't worry about. I've gotten better. Not much, but it's a slow process. I'm quite addicted to it, for sure.

I've been in church long enough to hear all the cliches: "Let go, and Let God," The Serenity Prayer, and others. It's simple to say, "trust God." It's a whole other thing to do it. How do you do it? How do you physically let go of your worries, your burdens, your needs, your desires--and let God take the wheel (another cliche)? How do you NOT try to manipulate circumstances? What does it LOOK like?

Okay, so the simple answer seems to be pray more. When it came to our finances I had to do more. I needed to confess. I needed a community to hold me accountable. (By the way, we have not used our credit cards for anything in almost two weeks. Our needs are met day by day by those the Lord burdens to our door.) Confessing didn't make it easy. I'm a proud woman too, and it's humbling having people bring you groceries or giving you money to pay your bills. I needed to also give an outward sign. Credit cards could no longer be our safety net. God is now our safety net. Either He provides or we do without--THIS IS NOT EASY. Think toilet paper, my friends. Think, laundry detergent. Or even when your child has a simple desire, "Mom, can I have more juice?"

So, here is my confession of anxiety (and out the door goes a little more of my pride).

I am worried that I have colon cancer. I'm worried that they won't find anything, and I'll continue to deal with mystery pain and symptoms.

I'm worried that I will continue to gain weight despite that I workout almost daily and eat a healthy diet.

I'm worried that the stress in my life and worry in my life is the true cause of all my health issues, and I have no idea how to change that without letting down myself, my family and my community.

I worry that we will never be relieved of our financial crisis. I worry my husband will always be working from sun up to sun down just to keep us (barely) afloat.

I worry about the financial burden my health will be on our already over-burdened budget.

I worry about my kids (that's an extensive list alone, you mothers & fathers understand that).

That's about all I can handle confessing right now. How do I make God my safety net on my anxieties? I've physically stopped using credit cards for anything, but how do I STOP worrying? How do you deal with anxiety?