Faith, Finances, and Four Hours

It’s been so long since I blogged, and there is so much going on in my life. Prepare yourself.
I’m reaching a point of hopelessness. I have always been the one to see the silver lining, find the good in all the bad, and be joyful always. Here’s the fact: After working diligently for 2 years to pay off debt, within 5 months we’re back to where we started. This isn’t the first time to go backwards. It seems no matter how hard we work—Matt works 3 jobs, plus any side work he can fit in, and I do anything I can to help out that still allows me to be the primary care giver of the kids—we continue to slip backwards.
Let’s skip all nitty gritty details and long stories. We’re not buying jet skis, taking vacations, or absorbed in material possession. We can’t buy food. We can’t pay for medical expenses. We don’t have enough income to do anything except pay the bills and the minimum on debt.
Two years ago, I heard God say to come home to help my husband and kids succeed. Despite that I went kicking, screaming, and fighting His will, I finally submitted. I quit a great paying job to be home. Meanwhile, we depended on the good will of family and friends to make ends meet. We’ve cut expenses, sold what we can, and found other ways to get things done. We’re on government aid, eat a lot from our own garden, and work ALL THE FREAKING TIME. It’s not working. I doubt my calling. I apply for jobs to “test” God’s calling on me.
Moving on. The last 6 months I’ve been working on a project that feels like an out of body experience. I never EVER intended on leading a grassroots effort to start a school. It’s bizarre. It’s ridiculous. However, when I’m in “charter school mode,” you would think that I’m a zealous educational reformer. It’s consuming and overwhelming. Too many things in this projects are fortuitous. I don’t believe in coincidences. God evidently has a purpose for this project, and I am merely a vessel doing His bidding. Inside, my little selfish self is screaming, “I want out. I want to stop caring. Please, God, find someone else.”
I know I’m supposed to help my husband and kids succeed. Is that why I’m building a school? Does God have a plan for us in this? I doubt because while I’m off in meeting after meeting after meeting, my husband’s studio is only at half-capacity (further deteriorating our financial health), and my kids plead for attention from mommy. Where is the blessing for being faithful? Is that wrong to even ask?
Here’s another question on faith & finances: If we are using credit to buy food, fuel, medication, etc.—is that being faithful? Are we lacking trust in God to provide for our needs by using credit to purchase food? The budget is black & white: no $$ for food. Not even beans & rice, folks. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. I’m struggling over this one big time.
Two years ago when we stepped out in faith & told our family & friends about our financial struggles, it was embarrassing & humiliating (& frustrating being judged by so many). Many reached out to provide for us. How horrible to now tell the world that yes, we’re still struggling. No, it hasn’t gotten better. The truth is, no matter how disappointed you are in us—we’re way more disappointed in ourselves. Honestly, I think it’s a miracle that we’re not further in debt than where we are now.
New topic: Dreaming. I long for the simpler life. A smaller home (you read right), less “plugged in” (I’d love to go a week without my computer), more gardening, more cooking, more time with family & friends. I’d love to FINISH a craft. I have 3 knitting projects sitting on needles. By the time I finish Eden’s dress it will be 2 sizes too small. I’d love to be more involved at church. I noticed this morning how out of touch I am with the fellowship. It’s a small church, and I realized I hardly know anyone or what’s going on in THEIR lives. I’m so overwhelmed with what I’ve got going on, I have no energy to meet new people and socialize. Not that what I’m doing isn’t benefiting others. I mean, I’ve got over 700 children counting on me to open them an awesome new school.
I’m so frustrated about the 4-hour distance between my folks and me. I wanted their move to Colorado to mean weekends together and more grandparent time. Four hours is much better than 20, it would seem, but since we rarely get 1 day off (let alone a weekend off) it’s nearly impossible to plan a trip to see them. I know they’re disappointed. It’s obvious in their voices every time I turn down an offer to come for a visit. The guilt is incredible.
Here’s something pretty crazy: I long to do household chores. I want so desperately to have the time to clean bathrooms, fold laundry, and mop my kitchen. I am not kidding.
Let’s talk about health. Owen is healthy, to the point I forget to be vigilant with his care. When he does struggle, I blame myself. (I have guilt complexes.) Me—well, I have issues. I’d rather not talk about them.
I miss hanging out with friends. What’s worse is that my best friend is moving to England. I ache for her already, and soon she’ll be across an ocean. Phone calls will have to be planned, not spontaneous opportunities to shower each other with love.
I remember a long time ago my dad taught my Sunday School class. I might have been in middle or early high school age. I remember him clearly talking about how in the future TIME would be the most precious commodity. I have never forgotten that class. I think he even underestimated how precious time would be for me.
I’m terrified I have so little time. So little time to instill wisdom into my kids. So little time to complete God’s will of me. So little time to enjoy precious moments with my husband. So little time. I can hear the clock ticking loudly in my ears. Pounding in my heart. I am at the front of a speeding train with no signs of slowing down.
I know a lot of you may read this, and you’ll be thinking of ways to solve these problems. You’ll have simple answers like she needs to stop working on that school. Or, you’ll say she should get a job to help get her family out of debt & financial burden. Or, that Matt should get a different, better paying job. Some might even recommend bankruptcy. Others of you will pray (thank you). Matt and I have prayed over every possible option. We’ve thought through every scenario. There is no simple solution or answer.
What we need is a miracle. I am 100% convinced God has us at his mercy and completely dependent on Him, so that He can show His mighty power to all.
This is my prayer: “Keep falsehood and lies far from me; give me neither poverty nor riches, but give me only my daily bread.” Proverbs 30:8

I hate complaining. I hate this post because it feels like a rant of complaints. Since I don’t often allow myself to pour out my heart to anyone—it would seem a lot has built up & just exploded. I hope you were well protected before this bomb went off.

In true form, I must end with the blessings in my life:
For the most part, I enjoy getting to home school my son. It’s obviously not a long-term plan for success, but seeing him grasp basics (like reading) brings me so much joy.
I am so thankful Owen thrives despite CF. Praise God that Owen lives with so few health concerns. He amazes his medical professionals. (Lord, may we never take his health for granted!)
I love having Fridays alone with Eden. I get so little time one-on-one with her, and having a full day, just with her is fantastic. I know this young woman and I will butt heads forever, but I struggle to survive the moments I am apart from her. It is a strange and fabulous connection.
I have a husband willing to work himself to the grave to provide for me. Please, God, provide ONE job that will BE ENOUGH. I’d like to also say that I’m blessed that I married someone with so many talents (our bountiful garden is from his work). I’m amazed at his wisdom, endless talent for anything he determines to do, and patience with me! His recent fervor to lead our family in such a godly way is inspiring and overwhelming.
My church is a joyful celebration every Sunday. I eagerly anticipate each Sunday. This is a dream come true.
Despite the stress and work home-ownership brings, I love our home. Our street and our city are fantastic. Building this school has made me incredibly aware of how blessed we are to live in this community.

Laundry awaits. The end.